October has been a month of writer’s block. The pen is repelled by the paper, the keypad by the notepad, the mind by the idea of words.
Perhaps, perhaps, I am no good. I can’t really write. Who was I even kidding putting on a show of trying to write!?
It’s a familiar syndrome, this. It crops up ever so often, in my head, particularly at the workplace.
If I open my mouth in this meeting, will the questions and ideas that come out be too stupid? If I drive the negotiation on my own, can I truly pull this sale off? If I were to walk up to the stage, will I even know what to talk while presenting these slides (that I created myself)? Oh forget all that, am I even the right person for the job I do?
All real questions that have plagued me like the plague for over half a lifetime now.
Wikipedia defines Imposter Syndrome as a psychological occurrence in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud.
As a fraud. Yes, that sounds just about right.
I don’t remember the first time I had Imposter Syndrome. But I do remember the first time I recognised it in myself.
It was early 2010s. I was trying to estimate the ideal size of a Call Center. After poring over many a mathematical model, Erlang C, I screamed, like Archimedes and his Eureka. It took me a few weeks of building the model and presenting it over and over again to everyone to realise that, every time I walked into a meeting to discuss and fine tune the model, I was asking myself, “Do I know what I am talking about?” My deep-in-slumber alter ego finally got jolted into action. “Why would I think that? I studied the theory and did the entire modelling on my own after all”.
But then, recognising Imposter Syndrome is only half the well crossed. How does one solve for it?
Coaching, people say, helps. I am not qualified enough to recommend such things so let me tell you what helps me.
Talking. When in doubt about myself, I find confidantes to talk it out with.
Writing. When I fear I am just not good enough, jotting down what I know about the topic clears my head.
Prepping. Yeah, this one is time consuming, an occupational hazard of sharing my mind and soul with Imposter Syndrome, but extra preparation revvs me up and helps me question the questioning me a little more confidently than otherwise.
Observing others. I ask people around me who sound like they have Imposter Syndrome. “Why do you say that?” “Why do you think that way?” It helps both parties, actually.
Have you ever felt like an imposter at the workplace? How often have you been proven wrong? What do you then?
P. S. Views strictly personal.