“Say please when you want something,” I implore my child, much like how my mother used to insist I did, decades ago.
As kids, we are taught to be nice and kind, pleasing and grateful, sufficiently mortified when the situation calls for it.
Some of us take it to heart, internalise it, get unconditionally attached to the ‘Sorry’s and ‘Please’s (S&P).
Some of us. 50% of the world’s population.
Myriad research states that women apologise more than men. Not just in general but in particular at the workplace.
A friend recently told me how she had followed up with a colleague who was overdue on his work and was given a curt, “I will do it, don’t chase me”, in response. She apologised immediately, almost in reflex, and then rued over it. She shouldn’t have had to apologise for doing her job.
As a young person at the workplace, I used to include a minimum of five ‘Please’s in my email chasers to people who had simply defaulted on responses and deliverables. I even used to sign the emails off with a flourishing “Many thanks and warm regards”. It was one of my most meaningless signatures ever, especially given I was usually writing emails on situations that had put me neither in a thankful nor a regardful position.
And what about ‘Sorry’s? At the bat of an eyelid. Client isn’t available to attend an event? I am sorry. My laptop crashed? I am sorry. Other people haven’t turned up for the meeting yet? I am sorry.
What’s the big deal about an extra Sorry or two, you wonder. Well. For starters, every additional Sorry I mention puts me at a disadvantage. Both with myself and the receiver. The latter because they start internalising that I am perhaps the wrong one. The former because I start believing I am just mistake-prone.
The Please can’t be all wrong, can it? One too many ‘Please’s can actually get quite grovelling, making the receiver wonder and even conclude that they are doing me a favour by doing their job.
After so much thought and rumination, you would think I have perfected the art of reducing the unnecessary S&P in my communication.
Nah. I haven’t.
All I have done is hurt my lips because I am biting them so much after saying ‘Sorry’s I shouldn’t have.
But, I have put together a few tricks on the way. 3 Ps (and a B) if you may.
Patience. When someone sounds accusatory, I try not to react within milliseconds, thinking of all the times I rued over a futile Sorry later on.
Practice. When I want to ask someone to do something that’s overdue, I think of the potential responses they will come up with, and what I should counter them with. Sorry shouldn’t be one of them.
Probability. What’s the likelihood of offending someone if I use one less Please? Anything <50% (not at all a scientific number) means I drop that extra P.
Best Practices. I have cheat sheets. I am always on the lookout for how others write emails or handle difficult situations. What to do, but more importantly what not to do.
So. How many ‘Sorry’s did you utter at the workplace this week? How are your lips faring?
P. S. Views strictly personal. None of the events mentioned in this post refer to the organisation that I am currently associated with.
I was in a similar boat early in my career, when I came across a list of alternate responses for every sorry that I had uttered in the workplace.
Something like:
Instead of "sorry for being late", i now use " thank you for waiting"
Instead of " sorry i made that mistake/blooper", i now opt for " good catch" or " thank you for bringing this to my notice" and so on
The key difference that these replacements made for me was that they made me more comfortable in my skin- they made me feel it was okay to be a human who makes mistakes on their journey towards excellence (and not agonise over my imperfections) .